Be honest. Is there anything about you that you’d rather hide from the world? (Don’t worry, I won’t ask you to share.) Maybe a bad habit? A petty thought? A deep-seated grudge? I used to believe that to be a good person, I had to hide all of these things. But then I met four terrible people who changed my life: Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer. (If you’ve never seen Seinfeld, just know, these are not good people we’re talking about.)
Seinfreaks
My friend and I used to watch Seinfeld religiously–every night, every episode, over and over–and dissected them every morning. We called ourselves Seinfreaks. And here’s the weird thing: It made me a better person. Over time, I started to notice some of the main characters’ little idiosyncrasies seeping into my own behavior. Before this, I had been taught to be a people-pleasing pushover. But I had finally found the role models I needed–not good ones, but empowering ones. I’d found that giving in to selfishness just a little, when I previously hadn’t allowed myself any, was a net positive. Everything in moderation. So I started my own personal religion based on this concept. Today I’m going to share with you the sacred tenets of Seinism and the four patron saints who taught me how to stop being a doormat and start being myself.
The Book of Jerry
Tenet: Be a little bit of an asshole.
My friend’s mom is very sweet but has a deep, gravelly smoker’s voice, so in high school, we were all afraid of her. In the chaos of preparing for the prom, we had to leave someone home alone with her while we ran errands. That friend called me, terrified. When I answered, I heard this stupid little whisper say, “Scared.” I said, “What!?” “Scared. Can you come back right now?” By then, I’d figured out what was going on, so I just smirked and said, “Who is this?” And then I hung up. It wasn’t my problem, I couldn’t help, and frankly, it was hilarious.
Jerry is cold, emotionally unavailable, and too easily amused by others’ misfortunes. There’s a running gag where one of Jerry’s friends calls him in a panic because of a ridiculous situation they’ve created for themselves, and Jerry refuses to help or get involved.
The lesson: Set boundaries. Know your deal-breakers. Protect your peace. It’s okay to say no—even if it’s only because you just don’t want to do something. I’m not telling you to break up with someone because they eat their peas one at a time…but maybe don’t marry them, either.
The Book of George
Tenet: Be a little bit spiteful.
I was friends with a girl at a place I once worked who was quick to turn on me when someone lied to her that I was monitoring her and giving feedback about her to our evil boss (probably the evil boss, now that I think about it). I missed being her friend and could understand her thinking she’d been betrayed in such a volatile environment, so at Christmas, when I gave everyone else a card, instead of skipping her, I gave her one, too, and wrote, “Sure wish we could be friends again.” It worked–she instantly came over and apologized and we were buddies again for a while. Then someone slipped her the same rumor again, and instead of believing me, she instantly turned on me again, without question.
That should have been enough for me to be done with her, but I tried one more time–after multiple warnings from the company about serious repercussions for losing our IDs, I found hers in the restroom. I seriously debated taking it to HR. Instead, I walked by her desk while I was sure she was sitting there and dramatically laid it down, looking her pointedly in the eye. “Oh, thanks,” she said. And that was that.
I should have known better. After all, fool me once…. And I very much regretted my choice to try to give her one more chance instead of taking sweet revenge when I had the opportunity. However, just a couple weeks later, fate smiled on me when another coworker informed me a boot had finally been placed on her car for parking it where we’d been told not to one too many times. “Do you want to go take a selfie in front of it?” said coworker asked me. Yes. Yes, I very much did.
George is scheming, dishonest, and ridiculously insecure. But he retains dignity through follow-through. When he is insulted by a coworker, he thinks of the perfect comeback…after the moment has passed. Obsessed with getting the last word, he orchestrates a business trip to another state just to deliver it. This does not end well for George. But he reclaims power from moments that humiliate him. His pride matters to him, and he refuses to let insults win.
The lesson: Let pride keep you standing when life tries to knock you down. Fight back a little bit. Spite, at a healthy dose, can be a life force. If George can keep showing up, so can you. And I bet you’ve never been caught knocking over children to escape from a fire!
The Book of Elaine
Tenet: Be a little bit confrontational.
I got seated beside a rude woman at my sister’s wedding who instantly, unbidden, launched into a Gish-gallop-style attack on every political stance she imagined I had, demanding that I defend myself. The old me would have just sat there and continued to take it, and instinct told me to do just that. But then I remembered my Seinism and asked myself, “What would Elaine do?” So I interrupted her. I said, “You know what, I’m here to enjoy my sister’s wedding. I’m not here to talk politics with anyone. I’d appreciate if you would respect that.” She backed off and left me alone for the rest of the night.
Elaine is blunt, chaotic, and aggressive. But she refuses to be intimidated. And she expects standards. When her beloved contraceptive sponge is discontinued, she hoards the supply and then starts vetting boyfriends for “spongeworthiness”. Instead of giving in or compromising, she demands exactly what she wants out of life.
The lesson: Stand up for yourself. Say no. Be unapologetic about what you want. And don’t be afraid to shove someone out of your way—especially if they’re blocking the last box of sponges.
The Book of Kramer
Tenet: Be a little bit of a lot.
There have been many people in my life who’ve told me that my background and origins made me worthless, that I wasn’t meant for more than entry-level work or a better life, to know my place (literally, those words were said to me), that I’d never make it onto a career ladder. But I never stop fighting for what I want. And to those people, all I have to say is: Look at me now.
Kramer is bizarre, unstable, and out of touch with reality. But he sees potential where no one else does and follows through on his own crazy dreams. He proposes an idea for a coffee table book…about coffee tables. Everyone laughs at him. He pitches it live on daytime TV, anyway. The book gets published.
The lesson: Follow your ideas. Get crazy. Don’t worry about what people think. Be memorable and unashamed. Make your own coffee table book about coffee tables, even if your friends think it’s stupid.
Conclusion
This all goes to show that inspiration and growth can come from anywhere. Petty grievances reveal universal truths. Everyone is kind of terrible, and that’s what makes us lovable. Self-worth is built on asserting your needs–even imperfectly. And confidence comes from giving fewer bleeps.
I was raised to be nice. And that’s all I knew how to be, until I discovered the gospel of “Maybe don’t let people walk all over you”. Watching people set absurd boundaries inspired reasonable ones in me. Mimicking confidence turned into real confidence.
Someone once told me that the characters on Seinfeld are unlikeable. I don’t think that’s true. I think as real people, they would be unlikeable. As characters, they are hilarious and very likeable because they get to act out many of our own worst impulses that we stifle. Most of us relate to the things they say, do, and feel, but are mature enough not to act on them, so we get to live vicariously through them, while simultaneously feeling a certain amount of reassurance that acting on said impulses would probably have terrible consequences. Let’s be real: You can’t go full Jerry. Never go full Jerry. That’s how you end up all alone with your cereal. But a little bit? That’s powerful.
So I leave you with this invitation: Explore the idea of finding power in unlikely places. You, too, can be a Seinfreak.
Yada yada yada…personal development.
Halloween is coming up. If you enjoyed this post and are ready to get your Seinfreak on, here’s my guide to an easy Elaine costume.
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